Now We Know How
It seems that Surrey & Sussex Health care trust has paid KPMG £700,000 to help them figure out how to deal with their £40.9 million deficit. Considering they’ve spent this money since January one has very little difficulty in figuring out how the highly-paid executives and managers got the trust into this mess in the first place.
What wonderful, innovative and imaginative strategies did these over-paid consultants come up with?
Fire 400 of your staff to save money.
Genius! I wonder how many microseconds it took them to come up with that stroke of inspiration. I mean it’s not as if that’s a solution they’ve ever used before, is it? I really have to give up the theatre and become a consultant.
Apart from anything else, isn’t it the managers’ responsibility to run the place efficiently and prudently? I can just imagine how long any one of the staff keeping their jobs would last if they went to these managers and said, “Excuse me, sir, but I seem to be unable to do my job properly, so I was wondering if it might be possible to hire a consultant to come in and do it for me? Yes, sir, I do realise this will be cripplingly expensive but I do believe that it will represent exceedingly good value.”
You can stick in your own Alan Sugar quote to end the conversation.
Having done exactly that how many of these executive dimwits are amongst the 400 losing their jobs?
Aye, right.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Review UltraViolet
Review: UltraViolet
Here we have yet another stylish, high-octane science fiction/horror-based action flick starring Mila Jovovich.
Don't get me wrong, though; when I say 'stylish' I don't mean it in any good way because this pile of dross is as perfect an example of style over substance as it has ever been my misfortune to sit through. I've never seen so many people walking out of a press showing and that included some of the teenagers who'd wangled a pass and at whom this MTV-generation extended pop-promo is clearly aimed. When I say ‘high octane’ I mean that it is filled with flashy cuts and camera work in an attempt to mask the weak script, inept direction and cheap production values.
Let me be clear: there is nothing good about this film.
The script is clumsy, incoherent, self-obsessed, drivel with delusions of profundity. Delusions of adequacy would be more accurate. For example, after going on extensively about how much she hates humans, is going to kill them all and was ‘born into a world we probably wouldn’t understand.” within sixty seconds she’s trying to avoid killing innocent people and is all out to be ‘cured’. There is much awkward over-verbose nonsense of the kind found in poorly translated European video games.
The CGI work is atrocious and frequently of a level I'd consider inadequate in a video game. Mention must be made at this point of the incomprehensible decision to 'paintshop' Miss Jovovich's face for most of her close-ups. Why cast such a stunning looking woman if you're only planning to paint over her face and make her look unreal?
Speaking of our heroine, the best I can say is that she's done the best she can with this dross but you really cannot make a silk purse from a sow's ear. No matter how good you are. I swear I saw genuine pain in Mila's eyes as she tried to make this tosh sound anything less than embarrassing. Actually, I felt that the actors generally came off fairly well in this. No one was good but it took a surprising level of talent not to look really bad - and there are a few who prove that point perfectly. There’s one chap who delivers all his lines in the style of those really cheesy over-dubs you get of foreign films. The cheap ones. You know; the ones where the actor is trying really hard to sell himself because he thinks he’ll get more work so he almost ends up singing as he tries in vain to show off the range and versatility of his voice. I swear to god this guy, who has the most trivial part, speaks like that the whole time. It’d be funny if the whole movie wasn’t about as embarrassing and illogical.
Violet’s hair and clothes change colour frequently and for no apparent reason. In one case standing right in front of some guards who are checking her identity at a super-secret research facility. And they don’t seem to mind. When the woman Violet’s impersonating turns up she looks nothing like her. The bad guy’s a vampire, too yet he manages to exist within a facility designed to be secure against infiltration by them. At one point they clearly couldn’t figure out how to extract Violet from a trap, so the camera pans behind a guard and when the screen clears again all the guards surrounding her drop dead. No one’s moved, though Violet now has a sword in her hand, but about eight guards are now dead.
You can just see the studio exec’s sitting in an office somewhere trying to figure out what the kids are into these days and shoehorn it into this film. “I know,” says one, “Comic book movies are really hip these days so we need to include them.” Forgetting that anyone who says ‘hip’ nowadays clearly isn’t the head honcho –who’s even less ‘hip’ – believes him so we get a title sequence of comic book covers depicting Violet as a super-sexy heroine. Except, as she’s part of a group of essentially terrorist plague-victims, it’s not that likely the society would want their kids to idolise her, is it? As far as I’m aware this is not a pre-existing comic character so the only reason for the montage can possibly be an attempt to connect to kids. “Alright, that’s good.” says the head honcho. “What do we need next?”
“Well, The Matrix was really popular and has a huge teenage following, so let’s use that.” And they do. They lift sequences from it wholesale. Not homages or pastiches just totally blatant rip-offs. “Gadgets! Kids love gadgets.” So there are gadgets but they’re not used well.
“Vampires?” So the tale is about vampires, but only in the sense that their blood is infectious, some of them have pointy teeth and they give an excuse for super strength and speed. They don’t seem to drink blood have problems with garlic or sunlight – apart from when the bad guy makes some mention of some of the infected having sensitivity to light. That, though, is just an excuse for a fight in the dark which, in turn, is an excuse to have swords burst into flame. Honestly. For no apparent reason the antagonists’ swords burst into flame during the end battle. Steel. On fire. Setting light to more steel. Think about it, though. If there’s no need to die, you don’t become a blood-sucking fiend who bursts into flames at the merest hint of a sunny day and you become faster, stronger and almost invulnerable why would you want to not have this ‘disease’?
“Pokemon!” Yes, they have one of those sort of japanime Pokemon power-activation sequences which we get to see repeated a few times.
“Martial arts fights with swords! Guns! Motorbikes! Rock music!” So they’re all there. Lousy examples of all of them. You know those studio execs from the Orange ads? This is the kind of movie they would make. Hell, there are even product-placement spots for mobile phones. In one piece of absurdity Violet complains it should be impossible for the big bad guy to call her as her mobile number “…changes every sixty seconds.” She should be surprised anyone can call her if that’s true.
A few years back there was a thrilling and genuinely innovative British TV show starring Jack Davenport which was about vampires. It made the same kind of virus/infection parallels this does. It talked about vampires trying to take over the world and many of the themes that are mentioned but so badly wasted in this. It lasted only one season and was rumoured to be being re-made in America. Then the rumour was that it would be a feature film. The series was called Ultraviolet.
If this piece of shit is what it has ended up as then it is a sad, depressing legacy for what was a thoroughly creepy and disturbing story.
My Verdict: Avoid at all costs. Not even funny-bad.
Here we have yet another stylish, high-octane science fiction/horror-based action flick starring Mila Jovovich.
Don't get me wrong, though; when I say 'stylish' I don't mean it in any good way because this pile of dross is as perfect an example of style over substance as it has ever been my misfortune to sit through. I've never seen so many people walking out of a press showing and that included some of the teenagers who'd wangled a pass and at whom this MTV-generation extended pop-promo is clearly aimed. When I say ‘high octane’ I mean that it is filled with flashy cuts and camera work in an attempt to mask the weak script, inept direction and cheap production values.
Let me be clear: there is nothing good about this film.
The script is clumsy, incoherent, self-obsessed, drivel with delusions of profundity. Delusions of adequacy would be more accurate. For example, after going on extensively about how much she hates humans, is going to kill them all and was ‘born into a world we probably wouldn’t understand.” within sixty seconds she’s trying to avoid killing innocent people and is all out to be ‘cured’. There is much awkward over-verbose nonsense of the kind found in poorly translated European video games.
The CGI work is atrocious and frequently of a level I'd consider inadequate in a video game. Mention must be made at this point of the incomprehensible decision to 'paintshop' Miss Jovovich's face for most of her close-ups. Why cast such a stunning looking woman if you're only planning to paint over her face and make her look unreal?
Speaking of our heroine, the best I can say is that she's done the best she can with this dross but you really cannot make a silk purse from a sow's ear. No matter how good you are. I swear I saw genuine pain in Mila's eyes as she tried to make this tosh sound anything less than embarrassing. Actually, I felt that the actors generally came off fairly well in this. No one was good but it took a surprising level of talent not to look really bad - and there are a few who prove that point perfectly. There’s one chap who delivers all his lines in the style of those really cheesy over-dubs you get of foreign films. The cheap ones. You know; the ones where the actor is trying really hard to sell himself because he thinks he’ll get more work so he almost ends up singing as he tries in vain to show off the range and versatility of his voice. I swear to god this guy, who has the most trivial part, speaks like that the whole time. It’d be funny if the whole movie wasn’t about as embarrassing and illogical.
Violet’s hair and clothes change colour frequently and for no apparent reason. In one case standing right in front of some guards who are checking her identity at a super-secret research facility. And they don’t seem to mind. When the woman Violet’s impersonating turns up she looks nothing like her. The bad guy’s a vampire, too yet he manages to exist within a facility designed to be secure against infiltration by them. At one point they clearly couldn’t figure out how to extract Violet from a trap, so the camera pans behind a guard and when the screen clears again all the guards surrounding her drop dead. No one’s moved, though Violet now has a sword in her hand, but about eight guards are now dead.
You can just see the studio exec’s sitting in an office somewhere trying to figure out what the kids are into these days and shoehorn it into this film. “I know,” says one, “Comic book movies are really hip these days so we need to include them.” Forgetting that anyone who says ‘hip’ nowadays clearly isn’t the head honcho –who’s even less ‘hip’ – believes him so we get a title sequence of comic book covers depicting Violet as a super-sexy heroine. Except, as she’s part of a group of essentially terrorist plague-victims, it’s not that likely the society would want their kids to idolise her, is it? As far as I’m aware this is not a pre-existing comic character so the only reason for the montage can possibly be an attempt to connect to kids. “Alright, that’s good.” says the head honcho. “What do we need next?”
“Well, The Matrix was really popular and has a huge teenage following, so let’s use that.” And they do. They lift sequences from it wholesale. Not homages or pastiches just totally blatant rip-offs. “Gadgets! Kids love gadgets.” So there are gadgets but they’re not used well.
“Vampires?” So the tale is about vampires, but only in the sense that their blood is infectious, some of them have pointy teeth and they give an excuse for super strength and speed. They don’t seem to drink blood have problems with garlic or sunlight – apart from when the bad guy makes some mention of some of the infected having sensitivity to light. That, though, is just an excuse for a fight in the dark which, in turn, is an excuse to have swords burst into flame. Honestly. For no apparent reason the antagonists’ swords burst into flame during the end battle. Steel. On fire. Setting light to more steel. Think about it, though. If there’s no need to die, you don’t become a blood-sucking fiend who bursts into flames at the merest hint of a sunny day and you become faster, stronger and almost invulnerable why would you want to not have this ‘disease’?
“Pokemon!” Yes, they have one of those sort of japanime Pokemon power-activation sequences which we get to see repeated a few times.
“Martial arts fights with swords! Guns! Motorbikes! Rock music!” So they’re all there. Lousy examples of all of them. You know those studio execs from the Orange ads? This is the kind of movie they would make. Hell, there are even product-placement spots for mobile phones. In one piece of absurdity Violet complains it should be impossible for the big bad guy to call her as her mobile number “…changes every sixty seconds.” She should be surprised anyone can call her if that’s true.
A few years back there was a thrilling and genuinely innovative British TV show starring Jack Davenport which was about vampires. It made the same kind of virus/infection parallels this does. It talked about vampires trying to take over the world and many of the themes that are mentioned but so badly wasted in this. It lasted only one season and was rumoured to be being re-made in America. Then the rumour was that it would be a feature film. The series was called Ultraviolet.
If this piece of shit is what it has ended up as then it is a sad, depressing legacy for what was a thoroughly creepy and disturbing story.
My Verdict: Avoid at all costs. Not even funny-bad.
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